The decision to have children and how many to have is deeply personal. Yet, most people can’t help but chime in and try to sway your decision.
In my twenties, long before I was married or even had a suitable boyfriend, my mom would regularly express her longing for a grandchild.
When my husband and I had two kids–a boy and a girl–and mentioned to the OB Gyn that we might try for a third, she looked at me, baffled, and said, “Why? You have a boy and a girl; it’s perfect.”
Who Is To Decide When Having Kids Is Irresponsible?
My mom comes from a family of nine, my dad from a family of 10. The family of 5 we have is small in comparison. Yet, I’m surprised how many people refer to our family (with three kids) as large–all because we went beyond the stereotypical, expected, two children.
Ironically, my mom gets angry whenever I talk about the Duggars. She insists that they’re irresponsible for having 19 children. Yet, are they?
The Duggars live within their means, raise well-behaved children, spend abundant time together as a family, and have a large, paid for house that accommodates all of their kids. How many typical American families with only two children can say the same?
My husband and I are on much rockier financial footing. We’re paying off student loan debt, and we still live in an apartment. However, we both work hard, and our kids always have their needs met for food, shelter, clothing, time and attention. We cut corners where we can. I often buy secondhand clothes for the entire family, and I cook all of our meals from scratch.
Would we be more financial secure with only one child? Absolutely. We could live in a much smaller apartment, and our oldest is old enough now that I could get more work done from home because he could entertain himself part of the time. We could have a smaller car with better gas mileage. But my husband and I knew by having three kids, our finances might be strained. However, finances alone didn’t help us decide to have more kids.
When Is Having More Kids Irresponsible?
Having said that, sometimes I see what I deem as irresponsible behavior when it comes to having children. A woman I know is pregnant with her 7th child. She and her husband have always lived with her parents, and now, with so many people in the house, tensions between her and her own parents are rising. She’d love to move out, but they just can’t afford to.
I’m not suggesting this woman not have any more children, but perhaps she should wait a few years to add to the family until they can find a place they can afford to rent on their own. Her parents also pay for the majority of the groceries. When you regularly can’t afford to house and feed your children, having more children is irresponsible.
The Decision Is For You Alone To Make
I have another friend who takes her family on vacation to Florida once or twice a year. They have taken international vacations. They love to travel, and it’s also important to them that their two daughters are very involved in extracurricular activities. The girls are each involved in multiple sports and also receive private music lessons.
A family like this needs to have only one or two children because they expect to spend so much on their kids. TIME, in an article extolling the benefits of having only one child notes, “According to the USDA, two-parent households with two children devote over one-third of their income to their kids. Add it all up, and there’s a strong economic case for stopping at one child.”
In our family, we afford three kids by living very simply. It’s a trade off we’re glad to make and that we knowingly embraced when we decided to have three kids.
What are your thoughts? Is there a time when it’s irresponsible to have more kids, or should finances not largely factor into the decision?
We have grown up where “birth control” is now made it more possible for us to “decide”. FYI: having kids is not just “in our control”. The ultimate person is God; who designs and plans our steps, even down to the number of children. They are gifts from God and are like arrows to point to Christ.
When we buy into the medical views and our culture’s views of “provision” then we are going way off course to how God wants us to impact the world.
If abortion was available when my mother was pregnant with me; I would not be here!!
So yes I’m anti abortion and pro adoption because kids are not JUNK/ TRASH.
God bless and may more have a view of KIDS from GOD’s EYES.
Peter Anderson says
For me I see having children as a huge blessing, and I could never see it as anything but that. I do think, however, that not enough people take parenting seriously enough, and go in without their eyes wide open. People aren’t aware or choose to ignore what the costs are, and don’t adequately plan ahead.
I don’t think it should ever be purely a financial decision, or one based just on a felt “need” to have more children. It is something that should be talked about, prayed about and proceeded upon once it has been considered. For some families – like the Duggars – a large number of children may be just what their family was meant to have. They’ve done very well with a large family. For others, they may realize that they’re not equipped to deal with a large family – and so choose to have a smaller one – or no children at all. It’s a pretty subjective decision that has to be made for each family I think.
Marie Zalbe says
For me, having 3 kids would be ideally fine. I already have one daughter and we’re not planning yet to add another baby. Being financially stable before having a kids is very important too, I have lots of relatives that have a 5 or more kids, but it’s just so sad to look at their young kids that already working just to help their parents.
Jason Maas says
Perhaps a blog article on a site called Bible Money Matters should at least mention what the Bible says about the question at hand?
I have found that it there is really no justification for the number of children anyone has. It has just not been something that I have found convincing reasons for…and the Bible seems amazingly silent on this so, yes, I agree that we finally decide as a couple how many we want to have…and leave room for God too!
Jennifer Warren says
I volunteer at a children’s home…a facility that used to be called an orphanage. I am amazed at the number if young residents who come from large families. There are some brothers who had to leave home because Mama came down with a chronic illness and Dad flew the coop. They had lots of kids, too many for the grandparents to house along with Mama, who can no longer work. So the sisters are crowded in to the 3rd bedroom, Mom’s sickroom is in the 2nd bedroom , Granny and Gramps have their bedroom — and the boys were sent away. Then we have the 8 kids whose parents got foreclosed upon, and the motel room where you pay by the week was too crowded, so they sent all the kids to the orphanage. Four other siblings just arrived, and their last home was the backseat of a car. In fact, they are one of about half a dozen homeless families we took in. Far more common is the situation where the family fell on hard times, has to move to the slums and fear their kids being the victims of gangs. One thing every one of these cases have in common: more kids than the parent can afford when times get rough. Had they stopped at two, every one of these families probably could have avoided institutionalizing their children. I am certain none of these folks ever planned to send away their kids, but no one ever figured they’d get sick or laid off or go broke. Something to think about !
The planet has dwindling resources and increasing environmental degradation due to the weight of humanity aspiring to a consumerist lifestyles. Can it afford you more than one or two children? Can your grandchildren and their grandchildren afford it?